Bi the way… I’m not as think as you straight I am

I think the first time I watched lesbian porn I was still in high school. This never made me ask myself if I was gay, or even bi. I knew that I liked boys, never questioned it. But I thought that women being together was sexy, and I found it appealing. Did I think it was sexy because it was people in general doing sexy things, or because popular media told me that girl-on-girl was ‘hot’? I don’t know, but I never wondered this at the time. I thought the female body was attractive but at that point I had never thought about touching one myself.

Since then, I have had sex with a woman (probably eight years ago now, but who’s counting?), and fantasized a lot about sex with women (and still do). Does that mean anything? People think a lot about things that they don’t necessarily intend on doing.

But I have done it. And I really liked it. And I want to do it again. Preferably more than once.

Am I bisexual? And if I am, should I come out? Is there any point in coming out as bisexual if you’re in a monogamous relationship with someone of the opposite sex, with whom you intend to probably spend the rest of your life with? He knows I’m interested in women. But I’ve never identified as such. Is it somehow cheating to identify as part of a group without ever experiencing prejudice because of it?

Or am I just being silly, like some kind of queer envy? Is there such a thing?

I have no idea how to navigate this area, having grown up as if straight is the default. Do I need to navigate it? If I like women and if my partner and I decide/agree that sometimes I might have sex with women is there anything more to even bother doing? Does it really matter how I identify? Can I just find women who share a mutual feeling of wanting to fuck? How would I even find these women? Probably a much more difficult task if no one knows you’re looking in the first place.


Cover of Spring Fire (1952) by Vin Packer (aka Marijane Meaker)

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